Sudden epiphany.

I was reading through my old blog posts yesterday and i don't know.. they sounded kind of sad to me. Last year was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. There were days when i felt really angry, and sometimes i'd feel sad or depressed. Sometimes these mood swings would affect how well i performed in class. I remember doing my Midterms Science 2 paper and just halfway, i felt so depressed and down that i couldn't concentrate on the paper. I got a low mark for Science because of that. Sometimes the sadness would go on for days on end and then i'd feel normal again. Breakdowns came about often though, like twice in a week i'd just burst out crying. My teacher said i was teetering on severe depression. I talked to my mom about it but she said no. I don't know who i believe more.

I never knew what caused me to be so emotional last year. Maybe it was the pressure of doing well for PMR, maybe not. I never believed in that anyway but yet, it must've been something. Well nowadays, my mood swings aren't as bas as they were last year. I sill get depressed sometimes, waking up and feeling mopey and melancholic but they don't last for days like they used to. I'd like to think that having a blog has helped me express my emotions better rather than bottling all of them up in my chest. My blog is like my outlet because i never feel comfortable telling things to my friends. It's not that i don't appreciate them being there for me, i just don't want them to feel burdened by having to listen to my problems. I'm so used to not telling people how i feel because i'm somewhat not encouraged to do that. My parents have never listened to me or my problems because they think that i'm being selfish when i tell them about my problems. "It's not always about you, Fah," they would say. But i don't want it to be about me, i just want them to know what's going on in my life because they asked for it themselves. Anyway, having a blog has freed me a little because i don't feel so trapped anymore. That's not to say that it hasn't gotten me into trouble though because i've definitely gotten into some quicksand with this whole blog-thing. I've posted some things that shouldn't have been posted only because i was so caught up in my own emotions that i wasn't thinking straight. That blunder has taught me a lot of things, and some good things have come out of it as well.

I don't know man. I think this is just what we all are. We're a work-in-progress, and nobody is ever truly sin-free. I'm in a better state of mind now, now that i have learnt to accept the cycle of whatever: we grow up, we drift away from each other, we meet new people, we deal. I'm not so angry all the time now and my friendships, i think, have been better. Of course there are some which just couldn't be saved but overall, i think that from all the blunders and mistakes and emotional rides i've been through, i've learned a lot. I am in no place to criticize anyone because at the end of the day, we're all still humans, and we all have our different pros and cons which makes us equal after all. And i truly apologize to anyone i've hurt over the past years of my life if i have been less than kind to you, physically, verbally, whatever. 

Today is a brand new, better day, and i absofreakinglutely love every single person in my life, whether i've met you or not, no matter how much you've touched me, regardless of whether or not you're someone i interact with everyday or just someone i listen to on my iPod, from the past, the present or the future or whoever you are, and i know that you are in my life someway -i heart all of you.

Latifah.